Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Sometimes I suck...

...at blogging that is!! Not many other things being rather fantastic and all... I joke with you but in all seriousness I have been unbelievably appauling at blogging and I have a couple of reasons for you. One would be that university is crazy busy and I struggle to find time to write but the second and much more recent reason for my absence would be that (and in the interest of openness I will now share some rather intimate details of my walk with Jesus)... up until about a week ago I have been standing with Jesus at arms length and my back turned in the opposite direction; close enough to ignore I had a problem but definitely far enough away for there to be one. It took sitting by a poolside in the South of France looking out over the most beautiful valley and being hit by God's creation for me to realise just how far away I was and actually pay attention to the slap in the face Jesus just gave me. It was definitely the wake up call I needed. The floods of tears that followed that night as I broke down on my knees on the cold hard bathroom floor was one of the most raw and strangely beautiful moments of repentance and forgiveness that Jesus & I have ever shared and it has change me. Ever since I feel more aware of my own walk, my own spiritual journey and more in tune with the one who made me!

Every single holiday I've come home and strayed a little and it wasn't until a conversation with my old youth leader and dear friend, Anna, today that I realised the reason. I have always been an active Christian; I mean within 3 months of meeting the Lord I was a youth leader, and don't get me wrong this is an incredible thing however, it does mean that the majority of what I know as a Christian is service. So when I come home and I'm not really serving I am a little bit lost in a very big church, then when you add in a non-Christian family and living far enough out of town to make meeting people a bit of an effort, I start to fall apart a little bit. I NEED TO LEARN TO RECEIVE but I didn't realise this until today... so I guess today is the first day for me in a journey to learn to just receive and be OK and not feel guilty about taking a break from serving over the holidays.

When I think about it makes total sense because I am always so busy serving in Winchester that sometimes I get so caught up in being Sarah the youth worker/evangelism co-ordinator that I forget to just be Sarah. This is probably my biggest reason for pre-momentum excitement because I am so looking forward to having loads of time to be with Jesus and just receive what he wants to give me, what he has for Sarah, just his Sarah without any titles and responsibility to get in the way. There's a time and place for seeking his heart for those too but for now it is a time to seek his heart for me. And I could not be more excited :) :)

I can't even put into words how different I feel now I have turned back around into God's embrace but I will say that I have never felt more at peace and filled with joy ever before. I feel like the fruits of the spirit are growing in me; I feel filled and alive!

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